Couch Potatoes, I am here for you!

Buy an airline ticket these days and you might notice something new. For an optional fee, you can make your flight "carbon neutral" -- the idea being that the fee you've paid offsets greenhouse gas emissions by supporting clean air projects like wind farms, solar panels, planting trees, etc.

Believe it or not, trading on environmental guilt and EPA compliance has become a multimillion dollar industry. Big corporations are involved in the sale and trading of global warming "credits." Rock bands, businesses, and even the Superbowl are using carbon neutrality for promotional purposes. Expedia.com and Travelocity offer customers the option of canceling the CO2 emissions resulting from airline travel. The EPA estimates that the average American generates 10 tons of carbon dioxide annually; companies like Atmosfair and NativeEnergy (two reputable organizations involved in the trading of carbon neutrality) estimate this can be offset for $100 to $200.

When I learned about this, I made one of my usual off-the-wall, "everything must be related to motorcycles in some way" connections and got to thinking about the guilt that must be felt by couch potatoes. You know the type: sitting in their favorite Barcolounger in boxers and a beer-stained wife beater t-shirt, Budweiser in one hand and a bag of Cheetos in the other, gut doing the bowl-full-of-jelly thing in synch with the laugh track of their favorite sit-com. Or maybe they're camped out on the sweat-stained, rump-sprung sofa in an oversized jersey featuring the number of their favorite athlete, howling at the game on the boob tube, leaning to one side every now and then to rip off a fart. In the tide-like ebb and flow of channel-surfing, they occasionally run across a repeat of Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman in Long Way Round, or Ricky Carmichael running just enough AMA motocross races to spoil James Stewart's 2007 party, or even one of those silly chopper shows on the Discovery Channel, and they think, "You know, I should get off the couch and do something like that." A second later, however, they've moved on to the next channel in the lineup, chuckling over something like America's Funniest Home Videos or puzzled by the complicated plot of a Baywatch repeat.

But the guilt remains, festering like a lost pork rind in the folds of a circus fat lady. And the poor bastards really need some way to offset it. Something akin to a big corporation buying carbon neutral credits to make up for the pollution they're generating.

So I'm offering here -- for the first time ever! -- the opportunity to buy Adventure Rider credits. You pay me to go riding for you. Just stay there on the sofa, soft drink and double-stuffed Oreos at hand, and I will go riding for you and send back photos. Your money will be used for tires (Lord knows how fast I go through those!) and gasoline. While you're safe on the Lazy Boy, I'll ride my sportbikes at totally ridiculous and unsafe speeds, risking life and limb. While you relax in air-conditioned splendor, the dualsport and I will suffer the extreme heat of America's deserts and the chill bite of her mountains. Bugs will coat my body, hail stones will ping off my helmet, and friendly police officers will ulcerate my stomach, but I won't complain one bit, mind you, and you -- you, oh guilt-free hedonist! -- shall be free to worship as you choose at the opulent alters of comfort and entertainment.

Paypal works just fine. Money orders. Cashier's Checks. Heck, I'll even take personal checks! Need me to ride by your home, so you don't even have to go to the post office? Just say the word!

You can live your life couch potato neutral ... doing what you love, guilt free ... while I get to do what I love. Talk about a win-win situation!

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Serious Footnote: You can learn more about carbon neutrality by visiting the website for the nonprofit organization Clean Air-Cool Planet.

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Addendum: Within minutes of posting this, a couple different people emailed me, saying, "You big dummy, you didn't give them a paypal address for the money!" I really only intended the blog entry as humor, but, what the heck, if you want to help sponsor my rides (I know there have been several riders at advrider.com who've had month-long tours sponsored entirely by donations), I ain't gonna argue. I'll even list you as a sponsor in the ride report. Paypal donations will be gratefully accepted at bahwolf@aol.com and turned immediately into rubber and fuel.