J is for "Just Turn Around Now!"

2007 Flint Hills Stampede, Council Grove, KS

Kansas ... whose idea was this anyway?

It rained. I left my rain suit at home. It was cold. We all got bogged down in this horrible stretch of Bentonite clay that our ride leader never should have led us into, 'cause he effing knew from previous years that it was there. Argh! To top it off, he was over the hill and long gone while we were stuck -- never saw him the rest of the day. What the hell kind of ride leader is that?!?!

I'm sure this Bentonite crap is the stuff the ancients used to make bricks for those old adobe structures that are still standing after thousands of years. This nasty shit packed into the wheels of my Dakar like concrete and the bike simply would not move. Took a friggin' hour and a half to fight our way out of it! The whole time there are rocks lodging in my chain and sprockets setting up the most godawful racket you've ever heard. With the help of other riders, we'd move our bikes about ten feet, then have to stop and dig some of the Bentonite out of the wheel wells, using our tire irons like picks and chisels. This went on for nearly a quarter mile!!! I was muddy from head to toe. I burned my arm on my exhaust. I was soaked in sweat from all the exertion fighting the mud, so that the rest of the day I got to be cold. I don't think I was ever truly warm again until about nine o'clock that night when I took a hot shower and then crawled into my sleeping bag to hide.

Took the bike to a car wash and blasted the mud with a high pressure hose afterward. The mud sat there and laughed at me! The worst of it would not budge, even when blasted directly by a high pressure car wash hose! I was afraid of doing more damage to the bike by riding it the 300 miles home, so I loaded it on Chris's trailer and hitched a ride. This turned out to be a smart move, as I later found hardened clay and rocks packed solid under my countershaft sprocket cover. Three hundred more miles of grinding my chain and sprocket through that would have surely destroyed them.

This is about as much of a ride report as you're gonna get out of me, folks. It sucked. All that time and expense to go to Kansas and ride one 100 mile loop on gravel roads. I can ride gravel roads right down the street from my house! I broke off a mirror (same mirror I just recently replaced, dammit!) and my chain is probably toast, maybe my sprockets, too. One guy burned out the clutch on his KLR, and I know my clutch took a beating, shortening its life expectancy by who knows how many thousand miles. On top of all that, I'm looking at a whole lotta hours tearing the bike down to the frame to clean out the mud-now-concrete that's completely packed in around the rear shock and up under the seat -- already put in about 3 hours on it today and didn't even make a dent in the job.

@^#*$&%!!!!!

My Dakar bogged down and going nowhere fast. With that much mud packed around the front wheel, it becomes a sled. (Photo by Daniel Holloway.)

Finally free, I let the cameraman know what I think of this ride. (Photo by Daniel Holloway.)


The entire group gives a big "You're Number One!" to our missing ride leader. (Photo by Daniel Holloway.)


And I take aim at the guy who got me into this mess! (Photo by Daniel Holloway.)


Lunch ... later that day. At least I'm smiling at him again. (Photo by Daniel Holloway.)


A high point of the trip. On the ride up there, Danny and I stopped for breakfast at this diner in Ponca City. The owner came out, sat down with us, and talked about motorcycles while we ate. When it was time to leave, he picked up our tickets and told us breakfast was on him. Great guy! Great establishment! And great food! If you're ever in Ponca City, stop in at the Cornerstone for some vittles.


The absolute coolest way to arrive at a dualsport rally: towing your offroad bike with your street bike!


I thought this was a pretty neat camping option. This belongs to Steve, a friend of Danny's. Steve was kind enough to feed us for the weekend. He did a wonderful job. The food was delicious and Steve thought of everything, even toothpicks. Thank you, Steve!


Whose idea was this anyway?


As ugly as it gets: a look under my Dakar's countershaft sprocket cover after I got home. The block of clay and rock you see there is as solid as concrete...

Not to end on too negative of a note, I should add that the camaraderie experienced at the rally was top notch. Met lots of really great guys and enjoyed getting to talk with them about bikes, wives, and life in general. Got to hang out with my buds. The BBQ was great. The raffle was cool -- I even won two prizes (a bottle of slime and a can of spray polish). Council Grove looked to be a really neat little town, with lots of interesting architecture. The Flint Hills scenery was really pretty nice, much better than expected. There were a lot of times I wanted to stop for a photo, but because of the rain I had left my camera back in my tent where it could stay safe and dry (along with my rain suit, I'd neglected to bring the rain cover for my tank bag). Our ride after the Battle of the Bentonite was really great fun. Hats off to Monty, the guy who stepped in and led our abbreviated group for the remainder of the day. Monty cracked me up by apologizing for not setting a faster pace ... when we were already doing 70 mph on wet gravel roads! What a joker!

You never know ... by the time this rolls around next year, I might even go back. I am, if nothing else, a true glutton for punishment...